In one of our recent posts, “You Need a Therapist,” Matt Hall described how we first connected with financial therapist Marilyn Wechter, MSW, and how much we’ve enjoyed collaborating with her ever since. This month, we thought it would be fun to share some of the ways we’ve been personally inspired by Marilyn. How have we used what we’ve learned from her – here in the office and at home? Read on to find out.

Rick Hill – One key takeaway from Marilyn has been how to share your financial values with your family, especially your children. How you spend your money communicates your values. Also, you can start talking to your children about money when they are very young; just tailor the conversation accordingly. Family meetings are important as well, although any communication is usually better than none. Marilyn once told me she’d conducted more than 1,000 family meetings and not one of them was a failure.

John Reagan – Marilyn has a way of putting things in perspective. For example, she’s helped me better balance my time and energy among the people and projects that are most important to me at work and home. “Live a little” are often good words to live by.

Nell Schiffer – Marilyn taught me that anxiety is contagious, which has been a simple but inspiring idea for me. We know that anxiety feels bad, but knowing that doesn’t always motivate us to let go of it. Realizing that our own anxiety can infect others is a powerful force for change, plus it reduces your own stress.

Buddy Reisinger – The most important thing I’ve learned from Marilyn is how to listen to others at a level I didn’t know I could. It’s still a work in progress, especially at home! But deeper listening has helped me better appreciate where others are coming from, why they feel the way they do, how they got where they are today, and where they’d like to go next. I’ve gotten better at stopping myself from interjecting before the other person has finished their thoughts.

Matt Hall – We all hold a mirror up to others. Am I intentional about what I am reflecting back? That’s my favorite lesson from Marilyn. She uses the example of a child learning to walk. If I hold out encouraging arms, a toddler will often smile and keep walking. If I project fear or doubt, most will sit down. The analogy holds true in our adult relationships too. I always try to remember that as I spend time with the important people in my life.

If money could talk, what would it have to say about you and your family? Would it be a happy participant at your dinner table, or more like an uninvited guest?

Back in 2009, I was incredibly lucky to meet Marilyn Wechter, MSW, a financial therapist and wealth counselor who has dedicated her career to helping families create healthier relationships with money and among themselves. Former colleague Mont Levy introduced the two of us, and I distinctly remember what he said to me then: If there was ever an investment professional who would be comfortable taking advice from a therapist, I was the guy.

Mont was right. Meeting Marilyn was not only one of the most important events in my life, it also has directly influenced our approach here at Hill Investment Group, helping us facilitate many otherwise-challenging financial conversations among families.

Sorry if it seems like I’m gushing, but it’s hard to overstate my enthusiasm for Marilyn’s work. Most recently, we hosted a mid-February client event with her in Houston: “How To Have the Money Talk With Children of Any Age.”

Together, we explored:

• How can we give generously to our children or others without undermining their self-determination?
• How can we normalize money discussions, so “wealth” doesn’t feel so otherworldly?
• What are good, conversation-generating questions to ask intended heirs, so you can better connect the potential wealth with their higher goals?

Marilyn has a way of helping you connect dots. Once the new mental and emotional connections are made, it feels impossible to ever unknow the new story or frame. If I’ve whetted your appetite for more, you may enjoy reading my more extensive description of the impact she’s had on my own life. You’ll find that by picking up a copy of Odds On and turning to page 179.

I’ll close with a teaser excerpt from the book:

I started bringing Marilyn into our office four times a year to speak to Hill Investment Group’s employees. Her insight and guidance helped us take our approach to another level. She’s taught us how to be better listeners and how to pick up emotional cues. … It might sound simple, but it made an incredible difference in how we were connecting with clients. Before we met Marilyn, we didn’t keep tissues around our office. Now, we have a box of tissues on the table for every meeting. We’re not trying to make our clients cry, but we often end up touching on memories from childhood, key relationships in their lives, and their hopes for the future.

Intrigued? Let us know if we can arrange an introduction.

We are lucky to have had the opportunity to work closely with psychotherapist, financial therapist, and wealth counselor, Marilyn Wechter, for nearly 7 years on issues related to our clients’ families and their wealth. She has quickly become one of the most valuable resources in our network of outside advisors. We are constantly in awe of her ability to turn the discomfort of challenging situations into a healthy and welcome dialogue. Marilyn proposes that open conversations among parents and children about money are essential to fostering the appropriate relationship with future inheritance.

Keep in mind these key points when approaching family conversations about money:

-In money conversations, disagreement is not the problem. Rather, disengagement is the problem. This means that there are no taboo subjects.

-Approaching issues with soft knees is essential. Just like buildings that sway in response to wind and earthquakes, we become far less brittle when we approach issues without rigidity.

Marilyn offers these questions as a template to get started:

• What is your personal history with money?
• What were the messages that you got about it: From your mother? From your father? From your grandparents? From your culture?
• Did you witness conflict in your family of origin over financial issues?
• Was money ever spoken about?
• What role does money play in your life now?
• Can you spend without conflict, or shame, or guilt?
• Do you use money to address some other feeling or need?
• Do you use money to control or exert power over others: your children or your partners or your friends?
• Are you fearful about having enough?
• How does money create joy or anxiety for you?